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@atanya1111

Husband: are you cooking something?
Me: of course not
Husband: the oven timer just went off
Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer

@AngryRaccoon2

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

@LionJenkins

[First day at New Job]

New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?

<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>

@Lanecat2

You shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night.

Especially since you walked there.

@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

@SweetBlueNote

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

@Spaziotwat

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

@petemandik

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

@JohnLyonTweets

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.