@Underchilde: My girlfriend told me to “tread lightly.” So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@trojansauce: [fleeing the bank we just robbed] accomplice: play it cool this time, okay? me: GOD I HATE CRIME YOU GUYS police officer: alright he's clear
@khook32: Skinny friend: Bananas are super high in sugar. Why would you eat them if you want to lose weight? Me: Good point. *Grabs Kit Kat
@Gupton68: Me: *stomach rumbling* 8: Why is your tummy making those noises? M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
@Parentpains: Whenever I'm on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets.