*uses Ouija board*
??? ????? ??? ???
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[Time of Creation]
God: And give thumbs to the humans that they may build many wondrous things.
Angel: Thumbs, Great idea boss
God: *Looks at Twitter
God: *Slaps forehead
God: Remind me, next time no thumbs.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Isn’t it so awkward when you misplace a Rolex? It’s like, do I want to tell people that there’s a free Rolex on the loose? Relatable, right?
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!” – The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”