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@Underchilde: My girlfriend told me to “tread lightly.” So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.
@rickolantern: Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that's a phone book.
@skickwriter: There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
@david8hughes: [puts hand on wife's stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
@SergioValenCo: Don't scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!