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@JustMeTurtle

[Time of Creation]
God: And give thumbs to the humans that they may build many wondrous things.
Angel: Thumbs, Great idea boss

[2018]
God: *Looks at Twitter
God: *Slaps forehead
God: Remind me, next time no thumbs.
Angel: k

@EndhooS

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

@trevso_electric

Isn’t it so awkward when you misplace a Rolex? It’s like, do I want to tell people that there’s a free Rolex on the loose? Relatable, right?

@bartandsoul

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

@KayLee_CPT

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!” – The first horse ever ridden (probably)

@TheRolo

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”