My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

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I don’t like the word ‘scampi’. It sounds like seafood that’s trying to run away.


Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied


[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.


As I see it, the act of lovemaking should be sacred, caring, and worth the 200 bucks I charge for it.


ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this


Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?


Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.


Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.


If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works