My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
You Might Also Like
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
This is my brand.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato