@wonggloong

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

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@tweetsvisual

I don’t like the word ‘scampi’. It sounds like seafood that’s trying to run away.

@BareChesty

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

@Mekellie

As I see it, the act of lovemaking should be sacred, caring, and worth the 200 bucks I charge for it.

@fro_vo

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

@JeffMyspace

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

@ShawnIzadi

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

@Sarcasmo718

Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.

@bridger_w

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works