My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
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When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
This a good idea
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Don’t tell me what to do
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.