My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

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Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin


My plan to disappoint everyone I’ve ever known is exceeding my expectations.


What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.



GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather



Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.


there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911


date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.


#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.


Be original. Don’t just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.