My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
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guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.