@karanbirtinna

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

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@onion_an

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

@BooFricketyHoo

My plan to disappoint everyone I’ve ever known is exceeding my expectations.

@Lance_Said_This

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

@markydoodoo

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

@cravin4

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

@iamburtjarvis

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

@neiltyson

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

@jakob_huber

Be original. Don’t just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.