My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
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I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?