How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
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Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
what are they serving at kfc then???
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
yes… yes…
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa