my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

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Don’t kill yourself over a boy, he’ll bring another girl to your funeral.


I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.


Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.


*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island


MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: I’m not convinced


ME: Say it meaner


ME: You weren’t feeling that

MU: Sigh, you’re right

ME: Maybe wave your gun around?

MU: *waves it around* This hurts my wrist

ME: Let’s just forget it

MU: Yeah, sorry man


Using my phone screen as a light, I search for my phone. Behind 1way glass, a bunch of chimps in lab coats write on their clipboards and nod