Don’t kill yourself over a boy, he’ll bring another girl to your funeral.
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This is savage.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: I’m not convinced
ME: Say it meaner
MU: YOUR MONEY NOW
ME: You weren’t feeling that
MU: Sigh, you’re right
ME: Maybe wave your gun around?
MU: *waves it around* This hurts my wrist
ME: Let’s just forget it
MU: Yeah, sorry man
Using my phone screen as a light, I search for my phone. Behind 1way glass, a bunch of chimps in lab coats write on their clipboards and nod
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?