@causticbob

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

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@efasheefaa

Don’t kill yourself over a boy, he’ll bring another girl to your funeral.

@Stap_Jr

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

@mommajessiec

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

@MrMichaelRose

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

@Home_Halfway

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: I’m not convinced

MUGGER: What

ME: Say it meaner

MU: YOUR MONEY NOW

ME: You weren’t feeling that

MU: Sigh, you’re right

ME: Maybe wave your gun around?

MU: *waves it around* This hurts my wrist

ME: Let’s just forget it

MU: Yeah, sorry man

@P_o_n_k

Using my phone screen as a light, I search for my phone. Behind 1way glass, a bunch of chimps in lab coats write on their clipboards and nod