@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

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@AndyAsAdjective

Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said “Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class”
But she doesn’t take judo
Plus she was awake

@psybermonkey

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

@3sunzzz

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

@VisionBored1

My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit

@david8hughes

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

@decentbirthday

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

@tastefactory

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

@thomaswhitehead

London is like the best era of Batman at the moment. Well-orchestrated mild commuter panic and Prince stalking the streets.

@thisgirlstace

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

@EyeSeeYou619

Having a bummer day? Here’s an out of context Spider-man comic book scene that made me laugh.