Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said “Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class”
But she doesn’t take judo
Plus she was awake
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
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Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
London is like the best era of Batman at the moment. Well-orchestrated mild commuter panic and Prince stalking the streets.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Having a bummer day? Here’s an out of context Spider-man comic book scene that made me laugh.