my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
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No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
went fishing caught a bass
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.