It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
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Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
If women do the splits, do men do the banana splits?
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.