@dyldonot

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

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@maughammom

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

@daemonic3

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

@JanuaryJames

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

@Hadzilla

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

@SouthernStylin1

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

@jctwritesstuff

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

@theguydf

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

@girlontapas

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.