I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
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[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.