@dyldonot

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

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@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.

@MarfSalvador

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

@behindyourback

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

@kirkdiedrich

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

@Parkerlawyer

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

@KentWGraham

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

@jordan_stratton

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

@curlycomedy

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.