@daemonic3

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

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@shot_of_cabo

Why do people call the deceased “late”?
They aren’t late..
They aren’t coming.

@OutAndAbouter

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

@AimeeHelene1

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

@degg

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

@FunnyBison

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

@KattsDogma

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

@jellybnbonanza

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

@SortaBad

Waterskiing is fun. I wish there were more sports where machines just dragged you around