@phalguy

My girlfriend’s ex won’t leave her alone.
I’d drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.

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@C00LpenNAME

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

@robdelaney

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

@LePetitOiseau_L

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

@DevilryFun

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

@WilliamAder

While I fully intended to “sleep my way to the top,” it appears I’ve napped my way to the middle.

@somecleverthing

Want to avoid making excuses when people ask you to hang out? Always say no when someone asks “wanna hear something amazing?”

@onelongbender

Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.

@Serrels

Women’s speed climbing record was smashed. Under 7 seconds. Inhuman.

@MikeBigby

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

@KeetPotato

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”