They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
My girlfriend’s ex won’t leave her alone.
I’d drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.
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Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
While I fully intended to “sleep my way to the top,” it appears I’ve napped my way to the middle.
Want to avoid making excuses when people ask you to hang out? Always say no when someone asks “wanna hear something amazing?”
Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.
Women’s speed climbing record was smashed. Under 7 seconds. Inhuman.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”