If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
You Might Also Like
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Do not steal food from the science building!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me