card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
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me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
The happy life.. 😊
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]