meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
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Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen