@pilau

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

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@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”lilgapeach30″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3529105583/bc5c0d35511cba165b39e5feb01cf6b5_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”324965949398712322″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”52″;s:5:”tweet”;s:132:”Think I’m gonna use. random punctuation? in all my tweets from now on! You know-test the e card creators! and tweet thief’s grammar:”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Mr_Kapowski

Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong

Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.

@IndecisiveJones

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

@Sarcasticsapien

Someone angrily told me “You’re so sarcastic!” That would be like me angrily telling a woman “You’re so beautiful!”

@jake_likes_naps

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

@uMakeMeBad

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

@AndyRichter

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

@kelkulus

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

@thatdutchperson

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

@EvilPandaX

Anyone realize Dora is always lost every episode? Why is their no Amber alert for her? Is it because she’s Mexican?