my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
You Might Also Like
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.