My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
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FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes