My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
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Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
The Others (2001)
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.