[sprains my ankle]
Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it?
Me: Let me check
Me: [to ankle] c’mon dude try it, it’s only one cigarette
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
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My husband and I have been practicing Social Distancing for 11 years now…..we got this.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so