Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
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“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Lessons I can learn from my cat.
1.) Never take the first no!
2.) If there’s an obstacle in your path, try a different approach.
3.) Being inquisitive often yields rewards.
4.) Rest is imperative!
5.) If someone is doing something you don’t approve of, bite them.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
To convince my boss that I’m keeping busy, I periodically yell “YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?” into my phone, then slam down the receiver.
*turns off life support*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.