@Shade510

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

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@LaziestCanine

[sprains my ankle]
Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it?
Me: Let me check
Me: [to ankle] c’mon dude try it, it’s only one cigarette

@NeverEnd88

My husband and I have been practicing Social Distancing for 11 years now…..we got this.

@envydatropic

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

@miffedmim

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

@Prero22

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

@david8hughes

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

@TweetPotato314

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

@patnspankme

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

@ArfMeasures

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so