@Shade510

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

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@QwertyJones3

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

@1_swarthy_dude

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

@ChrisHallbeck

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

@gizellie

Lessons I can learn from my cat.
1.) Never take the first no!
2.) If there’s an obstacle in your path, try a different approach.
3.) Being inquisitive often yields rewards.
4.) Rest is imperative!
5.) If someone is doing something you don’t approve of, bite them.
#WillFeral

@my_minivan_life

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

@Beerhaze

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

@AmberTozer

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

@BoogTweets

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

@MsCarlissima

To convince my boss that I’m keeping busy, I periodically yell “YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?” into my phone, then slam down the receiver.

@thejamietighe

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.