my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids
my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
My goal of having sex in 2020 isn’t looking good.
2021 isn’t looking good either.
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ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
NSA: dude, let it go
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
8yo: why does mom eat half of your food?
Wife *evil glare*
Me *terrified* because I don’t want it.
Just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph.
She was not happy.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.