Cop: What’s your name ma’am?
Cop: Frieda what?
Cop: Freeda Gomaam?
Me: *drives off*
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2018. Im already at $6.23
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Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Me: well apparently not
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
This is nice.
This is also pretty cool.
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.