My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2018. Im already at $6.23

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Cop: What’s your name ma’am?

Me: Freeda

Cop: Frieda what?

Me: Gomaam

Cop: Freeda Gomaam?

Me: *drives off*


Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else


Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not


This is nice.
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.


Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.


My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.


“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“No, he’s a labrador.”


I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.