My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
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Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
This is always good for a laugh.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Chicago sounds lovely.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior