My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
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like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
taking June’s advice to heart
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days