You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
love it when they get my name right
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower