My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
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*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in