My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
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DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Fat chances are my favorite chances
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
This is my favorite one of these!
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died