My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
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The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer