My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
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Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
*don’t let her know you’re a huge Lionel Richie fan or that you’re Waldo*
“Hello, is it me you’re looking for?”
Me: That’ll teach me
Also me: No it won’t
Most of my life consists of trying to keep up with what’s not cool so I can be sure to avoid any small talk.
Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.
There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.