@NeinQuarterly

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

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@1KelliBelle

My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?

@SirEviscerate

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

@Tw1tter_K1tten

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

@Mr_Kapowski

[first date]

*don’t let her know you’re a huge Lionel Richie fan or that you’re Waldo*

Her: Hi!

“Hello, is it me you’re looking for?”

@Adyaces

Me: That’ll teach me

Also me: No it won’t

@just1fool

Most of my life consists of trying to keep up with what’s not cool so I can be sure to avoid any small talk.

@1Happytwit

Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.

@motrboatr

There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.

@HenpeckedHal

Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?

@dubstep4dads

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.