Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
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Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Me in tagged photos
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Trumpy Cat
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.