My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
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Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
The booster protects against what, now?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *