My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
You Might Also Like
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
My therapist after every session
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do