My god she’s good.
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VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Yeah. This was me today.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.