My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
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[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Phonetics
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.