The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
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*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you’re like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now