@KevinSussman

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

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@Ron_White

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

@Browtweaten

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

@NakedHangover

Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.

@darksidedeb

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

@psyzod

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

@lisaxy424

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

@KielyHealey

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

@semple42

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

@somelightcrying

Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you’re like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now