BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old
My good mood is directly related to me. Don’t flatter yourself.
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Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I don’t mind your bad kids running around if you don’t mind me tripping them.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Sometimes I like to spend my Sunday afternoon being screamed at by a 5 year old for eating the sandwiches I made for her imaginary friend.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”