My good mood is directly related to me. Don’t flatter yourself.

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BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old


Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.


Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess


I don’t mind your bad kids running around if you don’t mind me tripping them.


Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.


Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳


[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest


Sometimes I like to spend my Sunday afternoon being screamed at by a 5 year old for eating the sandwiches I made for her imaginary friend.


Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”