Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
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[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie