Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I feel seen.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.