my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

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Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.


Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti


There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.


Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.


*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*


All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.


“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”