Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.
Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
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so weird how every mom was born today
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it!”