my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
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*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Natural selection at its finest
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.