The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.