@ConorTripler

my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner

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@BuckyIsotope

My dad left for cigarettes and never came back so I’m going to trap a new one

@oakhillbargrill

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

@funflaps

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

@envydatropic

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

@justokpanda

Even the muddiest puddle reflects the beauty of the sky if you look at it from the right angle. I fell in 5 puddles today verifying this,

@Brianhopecomedy

Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.

@maurex23

[spelling bee]

-your word is ‘amnesia’

-can you use it a sentence, please?

-your word is ‘amnesia’