my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
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you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.