daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
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Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now