My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
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My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.