@simoncholland

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

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@T_Bonezzz_

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

@4SLars

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

@OctopusCaveman

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

@DanMentos

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

@Cheeseboy22

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

@handsock_butts

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

@TheBoydP

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

@pplwtching

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

@mattytalks

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch