“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
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If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch