My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
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Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Admin smashed it 😂
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.