“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
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[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I feel attacked.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I wanna be friends with this person
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”