@ArfMeasures

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

- @ArfMeasures

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@Tmoney68

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

@dksc4life

It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.

@Carmel_Coleman

Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.

@Stellacopter

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

@sarahclazarus

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

@SimonNRicketts

BIDEN: I’mma punch him when he comes here.
OBAMA: No, Joe. Don’t do that.
BIDEN: Punch him round the back.
OBAMA: Joe.
BIDEN: Kick, then.

@Book_Krazy

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

@Eightinchgoat

Your internet girlfriend is getting yelled at by his wife right now.

@thenatewolf

One unintended consequence of unprotected sex is that sometimes, 6 years later, a small child is forced to learn the recorder.

@sofarrsogud

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes