peep davidson
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I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
This tweet has been deleted
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.