@mikealfredcaine

my grandad came to this country with four pounds in his pocket, my nan was holding a suitcase full of cash & heroin

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@petemandik

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

@FForEffort1

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

@Nursey2Be

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

@ThisOneSayz

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

@Pro_Jones_

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

@cloudypianos

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

@captainolya

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

@badboychadhoy

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

@IveGotMutuals

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

@omgthatspunny

Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!