my grandad came to this country with four pounds in his pocket, my nan was holding a suitcase full of cash & heroin

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I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.


So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”


Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.


*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.


Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop


*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*


the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes


wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os


Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.


Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!