My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
new shirt idea
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.