My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
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“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.