My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
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In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
happy valentine’s day to me
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco