Zuckerberg *causally slurping down extension cords like noodles*: Hello fellow human being
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
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My autocorrect changed epi to epic so this death is gonna be awesome.
Alright, alright. You can all have jet packs!
[two days later]
Reporter: Another 8000 dead today due to sky rage.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday