@Grommit56

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

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@SlothSlouch

Zuckerberg *causally slurping down extension cords like noodles*: Hello fellow human being

@SenatorBigfoot

Alright, alright. You can all have jet packs!

[two days later]

Reporter: Another 8000 dead today due to sky rage.

@TheHatStore

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

@rcromwell4

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

@dubstep4dads

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

@rad_milk

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

@thelateinnings

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday