@Grommit56

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

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@DarzieDAMN

If you’re a girl on twitter and you have no pictures of yourself, I’m automatically assuming you’re a cat that learned to use a computer.

@PaperWash

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

@SaraMansford

Just made a voodoo doll of myself that I’m about to beat some sense into.

@mack44_d

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

@SamNonTheWiser

The only thing louder than a child denied cake is a child that was given the smaller piece

@OctopusCaveman

My spirit animal is the opossum. They weren’t meant to live in the suburbs but they sure figured it out.

@GoldenSpirals

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

@dafloydsta

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

@RunOldMan

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.