Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
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Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.