My birthstone is kidney
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Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans