It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
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Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense
me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no
me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…
Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
How to get mustard out of your white shirt..
1) go to a store
2) buy a new shirt
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
“You’re not the pizza guy.” Bin Laden’s last words.