My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
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*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
me after eating Cheetos
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.