@SaddestFinger

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

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@karlainvt

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

@grammar_c**t

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

@duumb

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

@parilani

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

@Celestinelea90

Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…

Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.

@DeadLioness

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

@Works4Shots

How to get mustard out of your white shirt..
1) go to a store
2) buy a new shirt

@UncleDuke1969

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.