My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
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*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us