My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
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what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)