Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
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Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
They’re really bad with fonts.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”