My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister